Call On Me
by Saya Moonshadow
Summary: "Doesn't this song have any other words?" Apparently not, because it is EVIL. And you should totally help me destroy it, but you WON'T, because this team is DYSFUNCTIONAL. Sigh. I hate my life. Crackfic.


Written because my favorite possible-soulmate and I were talking about Eric Prydz's "Call On Me", and how it NEVER SAYS ANYTHIN

**Written because my favorite possible-soulmate and I were talking about Eric Prydz's "Call On Me", and how it NEVER SAYS ANYTHING ELSE. Enjoy or not, whatever.**

**Disclaimer: Uh, yeah, no.**

**Summary: "Doesn't this song have any other words?!" Apparently not, because it is EVIL. And you should totally help me destroy it, but you WON'T, because this team is DYSFUNCTIONAL. Sigh. I hate my life. Toa Metru crackfic.**

**Call On Me  
By: Saya Moonshadow **

"CALL ON MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (call on me!)! CALL ON MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (call on me!)! CALL ON MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (call on me!)!..."

Yeah, so I really hated that song. With a burning passion. It was invading the world and everything in it, and yet, only _I_ seemed to be aware of the fact!

I went to Nuju for help. Should've known not to have even bothered. The guy just rolled his eyes and went back to studying his telescope, but not before telling me that I'm a moron and that the song was just a fad. It would pass, he told me. It was NOTHING to get so worked up about. Psh, yeah. Right, Nuju. Allow the single worst thing since the Makuta's attack to happen? Not bloody likely!

You see, I am Onewa, the Toa Metru of Stone. I have a duty to protect the Matoran, and that includes not allowing them to be brainwashed by an annoyingly repetitive yet rather addicting and catchy song. (Not that I know the words or anything. Or well, yeah I do, because there are only THREE of them.)

So I am forced to move onto the next being on my rather unique and dysfunctional team.

"CALL ON MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (call on me!)! CALL ON MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (call on me!)! CALL ON MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (call on me!)! CALL ON MEEEEEEEEEEEE--"

"Matau if you do not shut up right now, I shall crush your bones into dust!"

It was also a bad idea to ask Matau for help, as he's one of the brainwashed masses who goes around, singing this song at the top of his lungs.

To prove my point, he sticks his tongue out at me and continues to sing it while working on his machine thing. He's not bothered in the slightest by it; in fact, the traitor enjoys it and its non-enjoyable-ness!

I need a new team. Seriously.

"Onewa," he says, turning to me with a grin, "it's just a song. It's not gonna, like, eat you or something--"

"That's what it WANTS you to think!" I hiss back, and he blinks. I take this as a good sign and keep going. "OK, so like, you know how EVERYONE (including you, traitor) is obsessed with it? _That's what it wants._ It's recruiting you for its evil army!" I'm really pushing buttons here, but Matau LOVES conspiracy theories, and I'm REALLY banking on this one to work too (hey, he believed me about Nuju and the Coliseum that one time, why not this?). "Do not give in, Matau, FIGHT BACK, and--"

"You know," he interrupts, "I think our relationship was much more enjoyable when it was YOU telling ME to be quiet-sullen, not the other way around."

I give him up as a lost cause and keep going.

The next one to come under my well-meaning attentions is Vakama, and I manage to bully him into helping me, like so:

"Hey, Vakama, there's an evil a-loose in this city!"

He perks up immediately, hero-senses kicking in. "Evil? Where? Here? In Metru Nui?"

I nod solemnly. "Yes, Vakama. And only YOU, the leader of the Toa Metru, can stop it."

He now looks a little confused, and slightly embarrassed. "Er, I'm sure you and the others are just as strong as I am, if not more so--"

I hold up a hand to silence him. "Yes, but they aren't helping!" I hiss, and, like Matau, he blinks.

"Um...OK, but what do I have to--?"

"You have to help me rid the world of the 'Call On Me' song!"

Dead silence.

"...Onewa..."

"What?"

"You DO know it's just a song...right...?"

"Shut up and I'll tell you how to get Nokama to like you."

His mask turns a darker shade of red than it already was. "Th-that's not fair! I--"

"DARN IT, VAKAMA, DO NOT MAKE ME RESORT TO EXTORTION!" I roar, and he stops, eyes wide. I smirk. "Much better. Come on, we got work to do."

OK, so that's one down...out of like eight hundred thousand. Probably more. Darn it.

Our next goal is Whenua, and we find him easily enough. However, he is STUBBORN. He almost puts my legendary hardheaded-ness to shame! And that is not good. That is NOT good AT ALL. Stone Toa are SUPPOSED to be stubborn as the rocks we use in our element. Earth Toa are supposed to be PATIENT and UNDERSTANDING TO THE PLIGHTS OF THE PEOPLE, SOMETHING THAT WHENUA IS _NOT_ BEING RIGHT NOW.

It figures. Out of all the Earth Toa we could have gotten, we just HAD to get the defective one.

"I will not help you."

"Yes you will."

"No I won't."

"Yes you will."

"No I won't."

"YES YOU SO WILL."

"Onewa I don't think this is working--"

"SHUT UP, I AM TRYING TO FURTHER OUR CAUSE BUT THIS BUM HERE THINKS IT'S COOL TO JUST LEAVE THE CITY IN THE HANDS OF A MONSTER--"

Whenua interrupts me. "Actually, Onewa, I happen to LIKE that song," he says, and points to the radio standing on the chair next to the thing he's attempting to catalog while I shake him by the shoulders and demand that he aid me in my quest. I scowl as I hear the familiar, yet faint, sounds of that stupid song coming from it.

Grabbing Vakama by the arm, I drag him away without another word.

OK...that leaves just Nokama. And she'll help. Right? RIGHT?

Vakama perks up noticeably, I notice as I roll my eyes. After all, we're going to see Nokama, and he just can't _wait_. I think we might have gotten a defective Fire Toa too. Fire Toa are not supposed to have monster crushes on their best friends. Air Toa (like Matau) are more acceptable, as they are famous for being, well, airheads and thus their behavior is excused.

"Some Fire Toa you make, pining after some GIRL," I mutter, and he grins sheepishly. "Why hasn't Matau killed you yet?"

"...Matau doesn't like me?"

"Well you know he's after Nokama and he's always getting jealous of you when you and her spend time together, so..."

"Matau gets jealous of me?"

"Um, hi, duh. I mean, after all, you always one-up him in your guys' stupid competition thingy--"

"Competition? Wait, what?"

I widen my eyes in disbelief. "You seriously don't know about the little 'rivalry' thing you guys have got going on?"

He frowns. "We have a rivalry?"

He is so CLUELESS. Not even NUJU is this uninformed about social dealings. For someone as popular with the masses for being "the greatest mask-maker, like, EVER" and the resident Fire Toa, you'd think he would know just a LITTLE bit more about these things. For Nokama's sake, I hope he's not this clueless when it comes to girls.

"Apparently not." I mutter, and he frowns again, but doesn't push the subject.

We finally reach the classroom where Nokama is teaching today, and burst (heroically) through the door like the heroes we are. The Ga-Matoran in the room all turn in their seats to stare at us, and positively ogle. I smirk at their obvious admiration. It's not MY fault that my ability to strike heroic poses is so well-developed, right? Seriously.

"Ooh, it's Toa Vakama! Hi, Toa Vakama! How are you today?"

I almost miss an opportunity to do a faceplant, but for the sake of comedy still manage to do one. VAKAMA...I'll never understand how such a socially inept guy like him got to have so many bloody fangirls. I get up and re-assume my (heroic) position. "NOKAMA!" I boom, and she turns around from the chalkboard, eyes wide.

Did she seriously not even notice we were here until I called her name? Maybe her and Vakama really ARE meant to be after all: they're both clueless when it comes to social rules and things like that! Although she's more outgoing than he is. Good thing too, she can help him to not sit in his forge all day and lament over not being able to make that stupid Vahi work properly.

"Yes, Onewa? I am TEACHING a CLASS here, and I would LIKE to CONTINUE to do so." She carefully emphasizes her words, and does that not-quite-glare thing that drives me nuts because I can't pull it off.

"We're here to see you!" Vakama adds brightly, and she blinks, obviously taken aback. "Uh - can it wait? Class isn't quite over yet."

"No, it can't." I say solemnly, weaving my way through the desks and seats, almost getting stuck a few times because of how close together they all are. Finally, I just shove them all out of my way, ignoring the squeals and indignant glares being shot my way. Hey, at least they're not ignoring me anymore, right? "Nokama, the world as we know it is ending."

She looks more confused now than ever. "I'm sorry, but I have no idea--"

"It's the song!" I say, interrupting her. "The SONG, the 'Call On Me' song, that EVERYONE these days is SINGING LIKE MANIACS. I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT." Here, I pause for dramatic effect.

But before she can say anything, I rush back into the conversation. "It's taking over their BRAINS. Not even Whenua's immune to it, Nokama, THAT is how bad this situation is. The only one who is willing to assist me in my noble cause is Vakama, and he--"

"He blackmailed me," Vakama mutters sullenly, and half the class turns to glare at me. I glare right back before turning back to Nokama, who is frowning disapprovingly. "That's not very nice! What did he blackmail you with, Vakama?"

His mask darkens in color again. "Uh, nothing. Nothing important. Nothing, er, TOO important, anyway. Er, well, it IS important, but--"

"LIES." I say. "I merely told you not to make me RESORT to blackmail, and thus far you have done wonderfully. Do not make me do it!"

"Onewa," Nokama says, and now she looks concerned, horrible woman, "I think you need to go lie down."

I gape at her in astonishment. "Lie DOWN?" I sputter. "Lie down, while this plague, this...this...this CURSE continues to, er, curse our island?! Nokama, I am ashamed to call you my fellow Toa Metru!"

"Ooh, you mean 'Call On Me'?" one Ga-Matoran gushes. "I totally LOVE that song! It's so much fun to dance to! Hey, Toa Nokama, I've got a radio, can we listen to it in case the song comes on?"

"And what song is this?"

The Ga-Matoran giggles. "The 'Call On Me' song, duh!" Taking Nokama's bemused silence as an obvious "yes" to her question, she whips the stereo out before I can stop her and turns it on.

"CALL ON MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (call on me!)! CALL ON MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (call on me!)! CALL ON MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (call on me!)! CALL ON MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (call on me!)! CALL ON MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (call on me!)!--"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" I scream, but it's too late.

Nokama frowns. "Doesn't this song have any other words?"

As if that summed up things just nicely.

The world around me spun as all the Matoran in the room got out of their seats and somehow managed to dance on the limited floor space while Vakama hung out by the door, looking like a wallflower, and Nokama started laughing, and I--

Yeah, I passed out.

X x X

"I know what it looks like Turaga, but I don't THINK he's suffering from any head trauma...permanent, anyway."

"Hm, thank you, Nokama. What brought about this behavior?"

"I dunno. He was ranting about this song, and just passed out when Macku started playing it on her radio."

"Yes, and he blackmailed me!"

(LIES!)

Turaga Dume now sounds very, very, VERY amused. "Thank you as well, Vakama. You may both go wait outside. I want to speak to Onewa alone when he awakens, which he appears to be about to do any minute now." I hear two pairs of feet, one light and graceful, one larger and slightly clumsier, head to the door, and then said door opens and shuts with a little slam.

"I know you're awake, Onewa."

Curse him to Karzahni. Somehow, I don't think pleading insanity will get me out of this one. Grumbling, I sit up and glare at him through narrowed eyes. The look of amusement on his face merely deepens.

"That song really IS annoying, isn't it?"

"Huh?" I ask. How the heck did HE know that that was what this business was all about?

Dume smiles. "To tell you the truth, Onewa, it was beginning to get on my nerves as well. I even considered banning it a few times. However, I wouldn't go around raving like a maniac if I were you - it makes you seem uncredible." He leans on his stick against my bed in what is obviously the Ga-Metru clinic. The bed, thankfully, was designed to fit practically all heights, and my feet for once are not dangling off any edges. In fact, this bed looks like it could have sustained the Makuta comfortably.

"Hmph." I sniff and toss my head. "Sometimes, just BANNING something doesn't work. You have to be PASSIONATE about things!"

He looks more amused now that ever. "I suppose that would explain the complaints filed against you by Nuju, Matau, and Whenua, then, hm? All three seem to think you have lost your sanity. And I'm sure Vakama and Nokama must surely think the same now too."

"You don't have to look so happy about it," I mutter and cross my arms over my chest.

He ignores this and begins to make his way to the door as well. "Hm. Just try to be a little more diplomatic from now on, yes? Oh, and, Onewa...?"

"What?" I roll over to look at him standing in the doorway and about to close the door, leaving me alone in my angst and misery and depression over a mission failed quite nicely.

His eyes are twinkling. "I'm not going to ban that song."

Before I can kick up a fuss, he is gone and the door has slammed.

X x X

"_Onewa Metru, there had better be a good reason for you destroying the wall of that room."_

X x X

**END.**

X x X

**Author's Note: So...I'm not so sure what inspired me to write something like this, despite all the speculation with Alex. Maybe it's the fact that college has officially started and I have five hours in between class each schoolday. Or maybe it's because I've been drinking caffeinated soda again. Or maybe it's because I like the Toa Metru too much and dancing to that song. Who knows?**

**Please tell me what you think! Thanks!**


End file.
